She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
