People with herpes should wear stickers.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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