Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
