I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
