If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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