what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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