If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Also, beer. Big fan.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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