I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
