i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize