Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
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