I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
