did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
