I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize