I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
