Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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