The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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