Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
