My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
