I'm so fucking centered right now
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
