I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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