You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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