we're blogging at a bar
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
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I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
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Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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