You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
