I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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