we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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