I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
