And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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