Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
