If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
