i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm sobbing to NWA
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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