bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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