Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
