I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee