I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
