somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
