Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
