I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
