just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
