she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
