LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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