I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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