I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
