You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The air taste purple.
Randomize
