The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
