I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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