Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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