..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
