At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think people are normalizing furries
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
