I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
