Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Send help, water and tortillas.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
