Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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