I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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