he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
