I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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