My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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