"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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