I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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