Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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