Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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