Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
